Lightning's Special Weekend
by BurgerLover
Summary: Join Lightning & Friends discover the true meaning of self righteousness!
1. The Fal'D

Lightning's Special Weekend

Chapter 1: The Fal'D

"GOD DAMNIT SNOW HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I DON'T WANT A KID'S MEAL." Lightning screamed in Snow's ear while standing up. Snow was in the driver's seat of the luxury Lamborghini Gallardo LP570-4 Super Trofeo Stradale that he borrowed from the Fal'chryseler for a test drive to Fal'Donald's. "Lightning, Serah wants a Double Heart Attack Fal'Burger, and I'm going to give her one. I know you love Burger L'cie, but Serah wants this, so we're here." Snow said. "Ugh." Lightning sat down and crossed her arms angstily. "I want a kid's mea..." Hope was cut off by Vanille. "OOoooOoo! I want a pony toy!" She orgasmed. Hope was not happy. Shulk Jr. took out his boomerang and shoved it up her ass. She instantly collapsed in the back seat. Hope began feasting on his meal. "Sir, can I take your order...?" Asked the disgruntled Fal'D's worker. Snow turned back to the speaker. "Uh, yea! Can I get a Double Heart Attack Fal'Burger with extra large fries, three kid's meals..." Lightning punched Snow in the head. Snow corrected himself, "...three kid's meals..." Lightning punched him again which caused him to pass out and slam on the gas. He rammed that $256,300 car right into the one ahead of theirs. Snow was slammed through the windshield from the one foot impact and smoozled right in between their cars. Vanille and Hope gasped as they noticed who they had ran into. THEY SLAMMED RIGHT INTO THE BLACK CONVERTIBLE OF THE FINAL FANASTY 15 SUGOI BOOTY BOYS AND THEY DID LOOK BITTERLY FUCKED AT THE STATE OF THEIR EXPENSIVE NEXT GEN CAR. "YOIU MOTHER FUCKERS THAT WUZ MY DAD'S CAR!" Screamed the Prince Noctis. "GET THEM!" The next geners took out their HD remastered swords. "Heh, we can take them!" Lightning menaced at the four faggots. They lined up, but then Lightning had an epiphany. "Oh fuck they're real time." Lightning transformed into her McQueen form. "Get in." She commanded. "Heheheheh!" Vainella jazzed a little and hopped in dragging Snow by his beanie. His face had been corroded. Hope got in the driver's seat. "Vroom vroom!" He put his little feet on the gas peddle, but Lightning held the pedal down herself and smashed his toes. "AHHHH!" Hope screeeeeeched. Lightning sped away from those faggots and continued on to somewhere everyone would enjoy. Chipotl'cie.

Lightning made it to Chipotl'cie but the drive thru was FUCKING CROWDED AGAIN. "Ugh." Lightning moaned. "Everyone out." Everyone got out except for Snow because he was passed out, so Lightning ejected his bitch ass. He flung right into the corner of the building and had more of his face peeled off, but then Vanille used Cure and he was back to normal, but still passed out. Lightning went up to him and snatched his credit card. "Heh. Chumps paying for this." Lightning and friends entered Chipotl'cie but Vanille still had to carry Snow. Hope tapped Lightning on the shoulder, but she was busy looking at the menu. "Hey Lightning... Lightning... Liiiiighninnnnggg..." Shulk Jr. whined pulling on Lightning's sleeve. "WHAT?" She shot around and punched him in the nose. "I want a kids meal..." He turned around pouting at his nose. Vanille giggled and put Snow down in a booth seat. "Vanille?" Lightning beconned for Vanille's choice. "Oh, you know, the regular, heehehe." Vanille waffled. Lightning sighed and confronted the cash register, "I'll take an Atomic Barl'cieto, a salad for my sister, and two kids meals." Lightning finished "All right, that will be $6.39," the cash register said. But then Lightning saw Snow grumble in his sleep. She turned back to the cash register. "Make that three kids meals." Lightning paid the register man and was handed the bags of food. Lightning just finished grabbing the food when Vanille made a scene. "Oh Hope, you are such a BABYY getting a kids meal!" Vanille teased, jabbing at Hope's ribs until blood spurt out of his nose onto the cash register's face. "GET THOSE STUPID DISGUSTING BLOOD BAKERS!" The cash register howled soooo loud it woke up Snow. "AHHHH!" Snow screamed and grabbed Vanille and Hope and burst out the Window. Lightning was surrounded, but she had the food. Suddenly gunshots cleared a path for her. It was Sahz! "Yo, you go ahead, ill catch you later." And so Lightning ran out the exit with the food. She saw Snow in a truck now. Lightning sighed and got in the passenger seat. "Nice truck." She commented sarcastically, even though it was a BRAND SPANKIN NEW DODGL'CIE TRUCK! Lightning set the food bags down in the middle and was about to buckle up. "Yo Lightning, do me a favor and fill up the truck, there's some gas in the trunk." Snow smiled heroically. "Ugh. Fine." Lightning got out, glancing at the giggling Vanille and Hope in the back seat. As she opened the trunk she heard rustling. "What the-" Lightning looked around and saw there was no gas can! She suddenly had a flash back. When she was in the car- THE FUEL GAUGE SHOWED FULL! "No!" Lightning slammed shut the trunk and tried to open her door- locked. Lightning pounded on the tinted window, unable to see inside. "SNOW GOD DAMNIT LET ME IN!" Lightning pounded for 5 minutes straight before he unlocked the door. Lightning opened it and got in. "Hehe. Relax Lightning, we were just messing with you. It was Vanille's idea." Snow cackled. Lightning crossed her arms and looked away. "Don't worry- I didn't eat your lunch- hear you go." Snow passed her the bag. Lightning opened it to find the Atomic Barl'cieto in tact. Lightning let out a sigh of relief. "I thought you locked me out to eat my barl'cieto." Lightning sighed. She grabbed it and unwrapped it to reveal A KIDS MEAL! "I thought the barl'cieto was for m-" Lightning instantly chucked the kids meal into Snow's mouth and started pounding on him. "YOU ATE MY FUCKING BARITO!" Vanille got scared so Hope took out his boomerang and lynched her until she passed out, then he slammed Lightning's head and she passed out.


	2. The Mall

Chapter 2: The Mall

She woke up in the truck to Snow pulling into the parking garage of the Gran Pulse Mall. "We got out fine..I wrecked the car...but we're fine...yes it's gonna bump up our insurance an...NO I didn't buy it...I was..no? Ok maybe I was..." Snow was talking on his Toothpick++ to Serah apparently. Lightning got up. Her head hurt from being smashed by Hope's boomerang. She turned around and saw Hope and Vanille get out of the car. "Wait you little bastards..." Lightning tried to move but her head still hurt. "Woa woa there Speedracer, I took everyone to the mall so we could all take a load off." Snow hadn't realized that Lightning had already left. "Fuck. First the car now this..." Snow buffled and got out of the car. Lightning was making her way to Bath and Body Works. Their fragrances always made her head feel shittier than it already did. She was greeted by Fang, who worked there. "Oi Loightning. We got some new fragrances in today; Sanctum Surprise, L'cie U L8r, The Purge, and Primarch's Haven. All of which ahre 75% off because it's the semi-annual clearance sale." Fang said, semi-depressed. "You work here?" Lightning asked. "Yeah. Oit's just a soide job mate." Fang started huffing some hand sanitizer samples. "Ok...maybe Serah would like some. It's pretty cheap after all." Lightning began sampling fragrances, which made her feel like shit. Suddenly Snow walked in. "I thought you'd be in here." Snow was carefully treading around the lotions and sprays. Lightning picked up a Try Me! perfume. "Do you think Serah would like The Purge?" Lightning asked Snow. "I don't know, try some on?" Snow asked. Lightning sprayed Snow with the fragrance. "AHHHH LIGHTNING YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC!" Snow howled. Lightning continued spraying until the entire Try Me! bottle was empty. Snow's face swelled up so he looked like a fat Bubba with big nigga lips. Lightning smelled Snow. "Eh, I don't like it." Lightning picked up the next bottle and sprayed Snow again. By the time she was done, Snow looked like the Michelin Man and Fat Albert's baby. Lightning finally decided on an old classic; Japanese Cherry Blossom. She put the three items on the counter. "Alroight, that'll be $9.67." Fang started chewing bubblegum. "Shit I frogot my purse..." Lightning turned around and saw Snow all buffled. She held out her leg, waiting for Snow to wobble over to her, but instead a random citizen tripped over her. She tookvout her Blaze Fire Sabre and sliced him to smitherines. She took his wallet. Fang just watched and chewed her bubblegum. Lightning recomposed herself and paid. She proceeded to roll Snow out of Bath and Body Works to find Vanille and Hope.

Unfortunately, Lightning saw Vanille getting a pedicure at the Spa in the window. Lightning had a fear for pedicures and instantly had hard core angst. "Ugh... Snow get up and deal with Vanille... I'll go find Hope." Lightning felt the weight of terrible memories and sweaty nervousness creep up her skirt. But it wasn't nervousness- it was Snow, who had slithered around Lightning's legs like a stripper! "Lightning... Hope is probably with Vanille in there..." Snow sexily hissed and tightened his snaky strangle hold around Lightning's legs. He started moving in such a fashionable pattern that the paparazzi surrounded them. "OH MY! So fabulicieousss!" A homoleciexual male paparazzi snapped some photos of Lightning. Then his old fashion camera developed the photos- and boy were they HD! He gasped in astonishment. "DISCRUSTING!" He howled and all the paparazzi gathered around to see what was wrong and what he had discovered. The many paparazzi gasped and put their equipment away after seeing whatever it was. The crowd diminished, and only Lightning, Snake-Snow, and the homoleciexual male paparazzi man remained. "Sssshows over Lightning... You are getting in there!" Snow tried to sound snaky, but failed because his voice was too gruff after eating that delicious Atomic Barl'cieto. "No! You can't make me!" Lightning roared and tried to rip off Snow, but Snow was stronger and so Snow used his sexy pattern to force her, step by step, closer and closer to the spa. "Snow... Snow... Please..." Lightning CRIED A SINGLE TEAR and it fell RIGHT ON SNOW's MEATY FACE! Snow stopped forcing her forward. "Lightning... I-" but Snow was cut off because the homoleciexual male paparazzi man grabbed Lightning by her hair and started pulling her towards the Spa. "Young lady, your clothes are trying to do you a favour, now get in there and get a pedicure so your shining neck cracks the newspaper tonight!" The homoleciexual male paparazzi man threw Lightning into the chair next to Vanille. "Hehehe, hi Lightning!" She googlie smiled. Lightning started hyper ventalating. "Am... Am I just clothes? Is that all people see me as?!" Snow was having a mental breakdown after being called a piece of clothing- which was understandable, as many people have wondered if his beanie is part of him or not. He fell into a deep depression, but still clung tightly to Lightning's legs. A lady came up to Lightning. "Hi there, thst gentleman over there said he payed for a full pedicure for you! How sweet, he must want the D! Hehehe." The pedicure woman smiled warmly. "I...I'm" Lightning tried to speak up but she started freaking out as the lady began scrubbing at her hideous toenails and feet caliciees. Vanille pipped up. "Martha, isn't she just a shy widdle doll? Hehe!" Vanille giggled, talking to the lady who was scrubbing Lightning's feet. "SHE?" The lady stumbled back. "THIS MAN... IS A LADY?" Martha screamed out loud. Vanille burst into tears of laughter and she pulled out a crowbar and began wrenching off Snow from Lightning's feet. Snow was too busy mentally breaking down so he did not resist. Vanille scooped up Snow in his tube like state and walked out the door. "W-wait!" Lightning cried out getting up but Martha put her back in her place. "NOW THAT I KNOW YOU ARE A LADY, I AM EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU! YOU ARE GETTING THE SCRUBBING OF YOUR LIFE!" Martha howled and strapped Lightning in her pedicure chair. Martha began scrubbing at Lightning's disgusting fingernails and would finish the toenails later. "My lord, your nails are almost as nasty as a Fal'Cie's! Lightning had a super anxiety attack and passed out.


	3. The Water Park

Chapter 3: The Water Park

Lightning woke up to Hope shoving tickets into her nostils. "Ehr?" Lightning took out of her nose..."TICKETS TO EDEN WATER PARK!" Vanille started crumping and ran to the truck. Hope was right behind her. Snow was still a pile of shit so Lightning put the Snow Sludge in the passenger's seat with her shiny new nails. "Where..?" Lightning asked but was booted by Vanille. "YEEEEAAAHHHH!" Vanille shoved her dick in the stick shift and drove them to Eden Water Park. It was easy to get in because Hope had somehow stolen four fast passes to the Eden Water Park. "Yayyyy! I want to ride the most dangerous one first!" Vanille jiggled her tits and ran up to Life Alert, the fastest most dangerous water slide in the west. She was stopped by the employee. "Excuse me miss, I need to see your height first." The employee said. She stood up next to a chart and she was well above the limit. "Heheh yay!" Vanille skidded in line. Lightning was up next, and she was fine too. Then it was Hope's turn. "I'm sorry kid, but you're not tall enough." The employee said. Vanille made a scene. "HAHAHHA LOOK AT THE LITTLE BABY WHO WET HIS PANTS BECAUSE HE'S A VAGINA DIAPER!" Everyone laughed except the gang. Lightning unscrewed Snow's container and he melted into the ground. "Go take Hope to the kiddy pool or something." Lightning crossed her arms. Snow said nothing and gloobed away with Hope. "That Vanille is such a cunt." Hope barfled to himself. Snow had attached himself to Hope so he wouldn't have to walk. They made it to the kiddy pool. Hope angsted, taking off his clothes. "I'M NOT A VAGINA BABY I SHOULDN'T BE HERE..." Hope was eating his toes but then Snow suddenly popped back to life because. Hope looked at the other families having a good time. He saw Mumkhar and Mumkhar Jr. splashing and playing like father and son. Hope sighed. "I wish my family would do stuff like this, you know, if they weren't dead." He emoed. Snow saw Hope's sadness and put his hand on his head and buffled his hair. "Hehe, it can just be you and me!" Snow gayed. "Really... Than..." Hope was cut off by Snow drowning him face first in the pool. "GOT YOUR NOSE GOT YOUR NOSE!" Snow laughed as Hope gasped for air but could not. He passed out. Snow got bored and looked around and saw the lifeguard. "Could it be...?" Snow walked in the water and shouted at the top of his lungs. "HEEEEEEYYYYYY CCCLLLOOOUUUUDDDDDD!" Everyone in the kiddy pool could hear. Cloud the Lifeguard was wearing sunglasses looking all HD and cool stuff. He heard the voice of his nightmares and pretended like he didn't hear Snow. "C'mon Cloud! It's me! Your old college room mate!" Snow was waving his arms. Hope came back to life. "Snow, stop making a scene. People are starting to look at us..." Hope buffled. "Shut up diaper baby." He pounded Hope's head into the water. Snow then swam over to Cloud, who was still ignoring him. "Aw are you still mad at me? C'mon that was like three decades ago." Snow huffled. Cloud said nothing and "accidentally" threw his sword at Snow, cutting his beanie in half! Hope gasped. "I WILL NEVER FORGET." Cloud drew a swastika on Snow's head. "WE BOTH STARRED IN THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS CO-STARRING TIM MCGRAW, AND YOU FUCKING PEED ON MY DOG AT THE STEAKHOUSE. THAT WAS MY FAVORITE STEAKHOUSE AND NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GO BAAAAACCCCKKK!" Cloud monologued. Snow was in shock and was drowning.

Snow had a heart attack and looked into Cloud's mind. It gave him a telepathil'cie communication temporarily that only lasted 5 seconds. "Cloud...I DID IT ON PURPOSE! THAT STEAK WAS TOO GOOD FOR YOU! You were becoming a..." Cloud interrupted him. "A what?!" Snow gulped (telepathicl'cieally of course), "a FLOUD!" Snow roared (telepathicl'cie). "A FAT LOUD CLOUD!" Snow howled paralyzing Cloud, and that was the end of that.

Blood filled the kiddy pool and screams could be heard. Soon the Sanctum police came to the scene. "ON THE FLOOR!" They roared and fired at the already paralyzed Cloud. The bullets KO'd him and he fell into the kiddy pool. "Ahh!" He splashed unconscious. The Sanctum guards examined the scene. One guard came up to Hope. "Heh." He huffed and kicked Hope in the back. "Oww! What the fuck!" Hope angsted. The officer took out a lolly pop and handed it to him. "A wittle vagina diaper like you should be wit your parents." Hope was about to show him he was not a baby when a different guard shouted. "OH MY NON-L'CIE! This man's head is cut in half and is the source of the blood!" All the guards scampered and scooped up Snow's remains. They left the unconscious drowning Cloud in the pool and sped away with Snow in an ambulance. "Heh. Im all alone... A big kid now!" Hope cheered. "Now where should I go..." Hope thought aloud, and some random parent answered him by DRAGGING HIS LOTTLE BABIE ASS TO THE ABORTION CENTER! "I'll abort you!" A slender looking figure in a trench coat picked out Hope instantly. "All right sir, sign the paperwork." The abortion lady stated. Hope watched in anticipation. "Wow! Im gonna get aborted!" All the kids around him were depressed. "I've been here for 7 months... No one wants to abort me.." Sally McSnot weedled before the other kids beat the l'ce out of her to prevent anyone from noticing her. Unfortunately, it seemed as though Hope's new adopter was a l'cietard because he was trying to sign the paper with his face! "Stupid mister, you use your hands!" Hope yelled at the aborter. The trenchcoat turned... And Hope saw he had been trying to sign not with his face, but with his beak! IT WAS AN OWL's FACE IN THE TRENCHCOAT! Hope shit his pants. "H.G. HEDGEWIG?" The bird screeeeeched a sound that made the dumb lady bleed her eyes out. "Thanks H.G. Hedgewig! We can always count on you to get us out of a pickle!" Hope smarlied, tossed the lolly at H.G. Hedghewig. Hope turned around. "Oh... One last thing H.G. Hedgewig... I'm curious- why don't you go by H.P. Hedgewig?" Hope asked the owl. H.G. Hedgewig responded by giving Hope a good dose of owl shit in the face. "Heh... Sorry. I know I mustn't misuse the power of the saint H.G. Hedgewig. I won't waste another moment of your time! So Hope left and headed back to the water park to find Lightning and Vanille.

While that whole Snow epidemic had gone on, Lightning and Vanille had finally made it to the near-end of the line. "Ass!" Vanille giggled staring at an XXL MEAT BOY. Lightning gawked at it, "ugh. Im not into that." Lightning turned around crossing her arms... But she turned right into Vanille's mouth and Vanille made out viciously with her. "MMMMMMM!" Lightning shrieked trying to break free, but Vanille turned on her vacuum that was in her mouth and sucked her to hold her within her grasp. "Hey... Ugh... One of you needs to go down the Lifealert now?" The life guard timidly asked. Vanille turned off her vacuum, and just when Lightning broke free to catch her breath, Vanille dove on and kicked off her to shoot down then slide. "Hehe. Cya doll!" Vanille giggled, skeeting away down the slide. Lightning was paler than usual because she was wearing GOTHL'CIEIC sun lotion but also because Vanille's vacuum had literally VACUUMED ALL THE AIR OUT OF LIGHTNING! Lightning weakly got up and was about to pursue that little bitch for installing Bing on her FantasyL'ciephone, and also for making out with her and shoving her down. But the man stopped her. "I'm sorry. But for safety reasons the Life alert only allows one rider at a time." Lightning moaned and waited... And waited... The man finally suggested something to her. "Hey. You know, while you are waiting I can give you a shake." The man offered. "Sure." Lightning smiled for once in her life. "Alright... Oh! Almost forgot! Would you like fries with tha-" an explosion interrupted the poor man, and by interrupted I mean decapitated him because the huge life alert logo sign broke off in the explosion and smashed off his pathetic little fries suggesting head. The explosion had originated from somewhere down at the Willey's Whirley Willy kids ride. Lightning sighed. "Must be that dumb baby." She shot down the slide to experience the Life Alert and to catch Vanille. Little did Lightning know, the explosion was not Shulk Jr.'s fault, but rather, it was the work of someone Lightning had not yet met. Mumkhar Jr... No just kidding he died when the police came and shot Cloud because they no like robos.

Lightning caught up to Vanille and slashed an 'X' in her back. Vanille squirmed and bled. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET YOU LITTLE RAPIST." Lightning melted into the ground and scampered off to see who had been the cause of the Willey's Whirley Willy kids ride. "Blast it all." Lightning had gotten on the crime scene with Primarch Dysley! "Oh hello Lightning, I was just about to get a Rectal Experience from my favorite ride, the Willey's Whirley Willy kids ride, when suddenly there was an explosion!" While spilling his tune to Lightning, he had been scraping the remains of a bomb into his blood stained dress. "I know you did it Primarch!" Lightning roared. "Heheh, no you don't. In fact, I'd like to send you and all your little friends to a special place to forget about this whole incident... Think of it as a late 21st birthday bribery lynching!" Primarch Dysley turned into a Fal'cie in front of God and everyone and slashed Lightning unconscious. The police didn't even care as he transformed back into a human.


	4. The Hospital

Chapter 4: The Hospital

Snow woke up in a hospital bed with around 50 IV's stuck all around his arm. "It...its.." Snow grumbled. The nurse gasped at his awakening and ran to grab the doctor. They both came rushing into the room. "My god, he... He is talking!" The black nurse feinted because she freaked out and tried clinging to the doctor, but the doctor hated black nurses so he slammed her to the floor. "Hero time!" Snow coughed up some blood and a chunk of cloth out of his mouth. It was a piece of his beanie. The doctor scooped it up with his probing device. "My god, you've choked up a piece of your brain! And what was that... 'Hero time'... Yes, he is definitely brain dead. Only an idiot would spout such nonsense." The doctor concluded signing some paperwork. "Well, I'll be l'cieing you!" The doctor cackled pulling a lever that shot snow down a laundry pipe. Snow landed in a laundry basket and was met with two- no five- no seventy-three mexicans in an underground shoe and clothing slavery shop! "Poor" "poor" "POOR" "ppppooooorreee" mexicans of all ages crooned the same fraze when they were handed more thread with their needles. "Isss meeee!" A granny cooed and had her skull smashed by the PSICOM officer for taking too long to sow a shirt. "Replace that one." The commander chewed some bacon. An officer replaced the mexican. "Test her out" the commander finished chewing. The officer handed her some thread and waited 5 seconds. Nothing happened. "Must be defective?" The officer asked disappointed. "No." The commander pulled out a paper of some kind. The crowd of Mexican slaves went wild. "MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!" "ESSE!" "EEEEEEEEE" "ARRIBAA!" " HABLOOOO!" The room was filled with terrifying roars of illegal excitement, and Snow felt the whole room shake from the loudness. The man put the paper back in his pocket and the crowd grew depressed again. Even the defective illegal was now working properly. "See? Told ya!" The commander laughed and went to sit down, which so conveniently he decided to sit on the laundry cart. Snow took this opportunity to grasp the paper in the commander's pocket. The commander stood up. "Alright, break time!" The mexicans sighed in relief. "Not for you!" The commander cracked his behton on a few illegals as an example, and they all went back to work. "Lets go

non-l'cie- luitenant." The commanded beckoned his buddy out the door. "But.. Who will watch them?" The officer dumbly asked. "Haha. They have nowhere to go silly! If they leave they will get deported you dumb shit! Now lets go to Fal'cie-In-The-Box! I want a burger!" The PSICOM guards left. Just as the commander had said, the illegals continued farming the clothes and shoes from thread. Snow uncrumpled the piece of paper- it was a completed green card essay! Snow thought to himself, "Now's my chance!" Snow popped out. "I need hel-p... Pl-ea-se. Sow me beanie." Most illegals ignored him and continued working, but five of them came to Snow. "Me hablo es stench." She explained, holding up a stapler gun. "Orichio vas DioMolio!" Another added, holding up some thread. "Me sue fuck american!" The third women offered holding up her hands. "Choke bitch down." The forth and fifth two illegals said in sync, explaining that they would hold Snow down as the other three worked on him. "Th-ank yo-OWWWW!" Snow was pinned by illegal # 4 and 5 and instantly the other three went to work. First someone got a pencil out and erased that nasty swastika. Then the real work began. Snow howled, but not as howlish as a Mexican. Finally they finished and the stapler lady punctured the Beanie into Snow's head. "I-I'm normal! Thank you so much!" Snow pulled out his wallet offered them some money. They disappointedly looked at it. "You guys don't want money?" Snow got up to leave and was at the door when he remembered the paper. "Oh, here you guys decide who gets it, I stole this weird essay or something from that guard." Snow tossed it and it hit the floor. Snow slammed the door shut and left. "ESSE!" "ESSE!" "ESSE MINE U GO PUTA HELL!" Snow heard Mexican screams and heard the stapler gun being fired as well as a chainsaw go off. "Huh. Those Mexicans sure know how to party! I'm glad they liked my gift!" Snow suddenly was face to face with a TRANSFORMER- I mean Fal'cie. "WHAT THE-" and without explanation, Snow was warped to the same place Lightning had been warped to!


	5. The Comic Con

Chapter 5: The Comic Con

Lightning woke up in a whole crowd full of people. She was really confused, where had Primarch Dysley sent her? They were all dressed up too. It must be one of Cocoon's Comic Cons! Lightning was scared because she knew the non-l'cies would amputate her any chance they'd get. She turned around walking slowly, but bumped into THE BIGGEST BIGOT RACIST L'CIE HATERS IN ALL WEST EGYPT: JIHL NABAAT AND YAANG ROSCH! except they were dressed up as mickey and money mouse..? "Oh my, Jihl, look! Someone has flawlessly captured the essence of that lesbian l'cie girl!" Rosch surveyed Lightning while circling her. "This costume is absolutely divine, darling! I bet it took you MONTHS to make it!" Jihl giggled jiggling her money makers. Lightning was too afraid to speak and started sweating water. Jihl wasted no time and collected the water into a bottle which Rosch drank out of. "She's even in character! Trembling at the sight of non-l'cie gods! Wow, you should definitely sign up for the cosplay contest! I'm sure you'd win!" Rosch warmly smiled. Lightning tried to smile but ended up making a really gay face and farted. "Well, we best be off. We don't want to miss the yiffing exhibition like last year!" Jihl grabbed Rosch's arm and they skipped away. Lightning sighed a sigh of relief and started running face first into Hope. "OW! Oh Lightning!" Hope readjusted Lightning's tits and resumed his dignity. "You wouldn't believe it! Vanille and I were warped here by the Primarch and I even went on this crazy adventure and saw H.G Hedg..." "Not now Hope we need to find everyone." Lightning cut Hope off who pouted. Lightning and Hope walked through all the crowd people until a man wouldn't let them pass. It was a representative from Club Fal'tendo who shoved a 3DS in Lightning's hands. "PLEASE PLEASE BUY THIS GAME PLEASE I DONT WANT MY FAMILY TO DIE." The man begged on his knees. Lightning rolled her eyes and gave the 3DS to Hope. "Huh?" Hope was confused and turned on the 3DS. It read "SUPER METROID 5 3DS: LABRADOR &SIMESE KITTEN EDITION." Hope threw up all over the screen. "NO NO NO NO PLEASE PLEASE TAKE THIS PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR WALLET THE COMMUNITY LOVES THIS GAME PLEASE." The Club Fal'tendo representative began shoving the 3DS down Hope's throat as more vomit came up. "Hope stop messing around." Lightning grabbed Hope's arm and dragged him with her. "NOOOOOO!" The representative pounded his fists on the ground "code red we have a Hambeast at 9'oclock" a Guardian Corp Officer mouthed into his walkie talkie. Repetitive gunshots could be heard. Then Lightning saw Snow in front of a bathroom. Lightning went up to him and punched him in the head. "WHY WEREN'T YOU TAKING CARE OF THE DIAPER BABY LIKE I ASKED YOU TO." Lightning made a scene. Hope gently performed the heimlich on himself and threw up the garbage that was inside that 3DS. "Ugh look I'm sorry ok? Vanille is in the bathroom but she won't come out." Snow admitted. "Ugh." Lightning reluctantly went in the bathroom to see what was the matter. She had to take a shit anyway.

As soon as Lightning went in the girl bathroom Snow went into action. He dragged Hope all the way to the center of the store. "This ones for your maum!" Snow grinned and pantsed Hope. "HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THE BABBYYYYY!" Snow slapped his knee. Hope was about to pound the shit out of Snow but then in Snow's laughter he dropped his phone. A video was playing on the phone's screen. It was of Hope's mom getting shot in the head and Snow SMILING WITH HIS PEARLY WHITES AND IT WAS ON LOOP! Hope's eyes welled with tears and he began crying his eyes out. Shoppers all around stopped to laugh at the crying baby. Snow was dying from laughter and the shoppers were too! Hope finally snapped. "I HATE YOU SOOOO MUCH YOU STUPID GRUNT... I AM NOTT A BABBBYYYYY!" Hope roared and hurled himself toward Snow. "And he's pounding the shit out of Snow- except nothing is happening because Snow is a tank and Hope is a BABBBYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Roared a girly voice through a megaphone. Whoever it was was standing on a ladder stepper. Snow laughed his tall laugh as he towered over the little baby. Hope saw with his soaked eyes who was on the ladder with the megaphone. It was Vanille! Hope abandoned the clearly too powerful Snow and grabbed the base of the ladder. He began shaking it. "AWW POOR VANILLE. SHES A WITTLE TODDLER ABOUT TO DIE FROM DISEASE!" Hope cackled. A shopper stared at him. "Wow what a shitty phrase. That wasn't even making sense! He must be a baby!" The random watcher confused himself. Hope shot a dagger at the shopper and the poor bastard died. "Woooahh!" Vanille giggled acting scared, but then her phone fell out of her pocket! "OH FUCK!" Vanille tried to grab it but missed and it fell to the fl-uffy hands of Hope. He unlocked the phone to see- THE WALLPAPER WAS OF HIMSELF IN KAWAII POSES?! Hope gasped. "WHAT THE FUCK VANILLA YOU LIKE ME?!" Hope shrieked and ran as fast as he could with the phone out of the store. "Nooo!" Vanille broke down- literally because the ladder fell apart and she fell into Snow's hands. "No worries babe." He smiled his hero smile. Lightning caught up panting. "What the fuck Snow! No one was even in that bathroom except for an old couple who wouldn't let me leave until I helped them wash their hands!" Snow giggled. "Yeah. Vanille and I just wanted to play a prank on Hope. It was Vanille's idea." Lightning looked awkwardly at the broken down depressed Vanille. "Umm.. Whats wrong with he-" Lightning was interrupted by a long boring monolog by Vanille. Near the end of it she spoke useful information instead of that babble garbage. "I...I actually am like... A famous porn star... Vanilla Johnson..." Snow interrupted her, "why'd they call you that? Huh." He dumbed. "Because I like ice cream and... And because i ended up having real sex with lots of them." Vanille gulped. "Hope thinks... That man on my phone is him... But its not... ITS HIS FATHER AND IM HIS REAL MOTHER!" Vanille revealed. No one cared. "Cool. Now can we go get Hope?" Lightning sighed. Snow interrupted, "Hold up- that doesn't make sense- I killed his mom- right? I mean he was born from her?" Snow tried to sound intelligent but Vanille stopped him. "He was conceived in me, but I used my L'cie powers when I was crystalized to tranfer the egg to someone whom I knew would get killed... So that I could replace her as his mother..." Vanille confessed. SUDDENLY FANG BLASTED THROUGH THE WINDOW IN A RACECAR AND SCOOPED UP VANILLE. "Yo wazzup Lightning!" The racecar, who was Sahz, laughed. "FUCK! GET IN SNOW, AFTER THEM!" Lightning transformed into Lightning McQueen to speed after them!


	6. The Truth

Chapter 6: The Truth

Lightning was speeding after Sahz. They rode through Green Hill Zone and had an epic Family Friendly Disney car chase, except Snow turned it into Mario Kart and threw hand grenades at Sahz. He burst his tire. "AHHHHH!" Sahz cried in pain as his tire- his left nipple- had been obliterated by Snow's literal hand grenades. Fang and Vanille fell out of their Sahzcar and skidded on the ground. Sahz resumed his normal form passed out. "NOOOOO!" Fang pounded her fists on the ground. But thankfully they were at the building they needed to be at. Fang grabbed Vanille's hand and they rushed inside. Lightning skidded to a halt. "HURRY!" Lightning beggoned to Snow. He jumped out. Before Lightning transformed into her human form again, Snow held a hand out. "Wait. Don't move." He sounded like there was serious danger. "What? What is it? We're going to lose them!" Lightning was offbeat. "It's snow go." Snow said. Lightning transformed into her human form and gently walked up to him. "Snow." Lightning said putting a hand on his shoulder. "Y...yes?" Snow couldn't answer because he was too busy laughing at his funny. Lightning took out her birthday club and BEAT HIM INTO THE CEMENT WITH HER BEHTON. "SNOW YOLANDA III VILLIERS DID YOU STOP ME FROM CATCHING THEM JUST SO YOU COULD SAY THAT LINE?!" Lightning had become a lightning bolt and blasted through the building's entrance. "WHERE IS VANILLE AND FANG." Lightning screamed at the receptionist lady, but didn't care and blasted down the first door she could find! What she saw was something that she could not unsee. IT WAS DR. CID RAINES GIVING SERAH A PAP SMEARRRR! Snow burst through the door, "SEEERRRRAAAHHHHH!" Snow started beating the shit out of Raines. "Snow! Stop it! Dr. Raines is my OBGYN!" Serah tried ripping Snow off Raines but the meaty loser hero boy could not be stopped. "Wait, what's an OBGYN?" Snow asked stupidly. "A gynecologist!" Serah pleaded. Snow still looked petrified at this new found French word. "A VAGINA DOCTOR." Lightning ripped off Snow's beanie, which caused him to pass out. "Ugh, thank you sister." Serah and Lightning made out, sisterly of course. Dr. Raines recomposed himself. "Ahem...Serah, we need to finish the procedure." He shoved pliers up Serah's cluster hole and resumed his dignity. "Serah, why are you here?" Lightning asked. "Uhm well..." Serah began, but Raines finished, "to check her l'ciexual drive...she thinks it's not functioning properly." "Uh, yea, that's it." Serah looked relieved. Lightning did not seem convinced and crossed her arms. "Serah." Lightning used her father tone. Serah knew the crowbar enema would commence if she didn't answer properly. "OK! Well...Snow has...Snow has..." Snow suddenly came back to life by absorbing his beanie. "SNOW HAS WHAT?!" Snow began slowly and carefully carving a Leaning Tower of Pizza into Raines. "Snow has..." Serah began to hide her sugoi tears. "JUST FUCKING SAY IT!" Snow etched a really nice portrait of the Mona Lisa in Raines's back. "HE HAS BIRTHDAY BOY SYNDROME! AND I DIDN'T KNOW IF I CONTRACTED IT OR NOT.!" Serah cried. Lightning took out the salad from Chipotl'cie and slowly spoon fed Serah as she made Korean drama. "YOU KNEW I HAD BBS SERAH. YOU KNEW I HAD IT, BUT YOU SAID IT WAS OK." Snow heroed. "I...I know what I said.." Serah kawaiied. Raines was done performing the saddle stronkin' pap smear and Snow ripped the pliers out of Serah's poontah. "It's alright baby. We can still make it work." Snow caressed Serah's buffled face as Lightning was still spoon feeding her nasty salad. "Snow I...I have something I need to tell you..." Just then Lightning saw Vanille and Fang see them and they ran out the door. "NO TIME FOR GAMES, WE GOTTA GET THEM SNOW!" Lightning roared.

But there was no point. Vanille was being shoved closer to Lightning in hand cuffs and Fang had her threatening behton out. Sazh was being a laugher and stuff. Snow jumped up out of Sarah's vagina and tackled Sahz. "GOTCHA U FAST RACER!" Snow sounded heroic. "Yo wazzup Snow!" Sahz laughed off Snow's attack, despite being pinned down. "Tell me what I want to know!" Snow slobbered a little. "Maybe you should watch your hands." Sahz laughed. Snow was lost. "Huh?" But it was too late to heed the warning. Sahz's bird came out of his afro and began pecking out Snow's eyes. "AHHHHH!" Snow howled. While Snow was stupid attacking Sahz, Lightning had confronted Fang for an explanation. "Why is Vanille in handcuffs and why did you run away?" Lightning crossed her arms. Fang held up a warrant. "We finally got the bitch. She said she would 'never lie again' in a stupid whiny voice at some point, but its time you know The Truth..." Fang cleaned her nose with a Cl'cieorax wipe. "VANILLE IS A STUPID LIAR AND SHE IS NOT REALLY HOPE's MOM AND ALSO THAT WAS ACTUALLY HOPE ON THE PHONE!" Fang snorted a l'cigaratte. "Ahh... That's right. Vanille is a child Falc'ieographer!" Lighting was unimpressed. She looked to the right and saw Snow having his eyes removed by the little bird. Lightning smiled. "I suddenly feel like going to L'cie N Fal'cieBurger." She couldn't deny that sweet urge to get a burger after seeing Snow's eyes pecked out. Sazh got up and agreed. Snow's eyes grew back and he grabbed Sarah. They all agreed they would need to visit the burger joint. Vanille broke out of her cuffs and pulled off the l'cie-tape from her mouth. "FANG I HATE YOU YOU RUINED EVEEYTHINGGGG! Oh but also I want a burger too!" Snow got up, and got in Sahz's racecar form. "I'll bring back food for everyone!" Snow yelled out and drove to L'cie N Fal'cie Burger. Lightning turned to Vanille. "So why'd you lie?" Vanille huffed turning her head, but then Fang helped out by giving Vanille a few whacks with the behton. "I...I am not a L'cieafile... But I made a contract with the Pope Fal'cie and he wanted pics of Hope OKAY?!" The truth was finally revealed. Snow arrived back with bags of food. "Hey guys I got the food!" Snow beamed. Sarah smiled warmly, because the OBGYN shoved a big warm vibrator up her tattoo, but Snow didn't know that. "Heres your food guys!" Snow seemingly grabbed a random bag from the pile and pulled out a nice meaty burger and started eating. Lightning grabbed a bag and opened it- it was a VEGGIE KIDS BURGER! "WHAT THE FUCKKKK!" Lightning roared and snatched the bag Vanille was about to grab. Another Veggie Kids Burger! Lightning opened all the bags to reveal Veggie Kids Burgers in all of them. "SNOW WHAT THE FUCK!" Lightning threated Snow with her sword-gun in shotgun mode. "Hey! What can I say? You guys are like the KID SISTERS I NEVER HAD!" Snow threw his shoe at Lightning and got into Sahz, whom he had fed gasoline since he was a car. Snow drove around as Lightning chased. Vanille got up. "Well... We better find Hope... I wonder where he is..." Vanille started hacking away at her internal organs just thinking about hi-" Fang was looking right at her. "Yuck! Man, I hate little kids,hehehe!" She giggled, pretending she had been removing the live fal-crabs from her vagina. She plopped one out and handed it to Sarah. But then it crawled up her vagina. "AHHHH!" She screamed and then turned into a crystal. Everyone stopped fighting and came over. "What the fuck?" Lightning crossed her arms at Vanille. "Hehe... Oops! Umm... The OBGYN will know what to do!" Everyone looked at the OBGYN, but Vanille was wrong because he grabbed one of Sahz's pistols and blew out his own brain without hesitation. Everyone looked back at Vanille. "Umm...Hope will know what to do, we will find him!" Vanille giggled. And off they went to search for Hope.


	7. The Concert

Chapter 7: The Concert

Vanille, Fang, Snow, DeadSazh, and Lightning all searched for Hope but they found nothing. "Hey guys, check out this Toothpick++ App!" Snow took out his earplug thing and showed that they could TrackMyToothpick with Hope's Toothpick device. "Yayyyy!" Vanille did a gay twirl and hurled her reindeer antlers at Snow. "AHHH!" Snow dropped his Toothpick++ which shattered into a million pieces. "..." Snow said nothing. "Oopsie doopsie!" Vanille pooped a little. Snow put his hand on Vanille's shoulder, "It's fine." He violently pounded her face in until she had no face. "Hehehehe..hehe..he.." Vanille passed out. Fang picked up Vanille and tossed her in the dumpster that she was carrying, I mean all Australians carry. "So it looks like Hope is at Eden Orphan Hall." Snow said. "How do you know that if your toothpick broke?" Fang questioned. "Multitasking on ios9!" Snow giggled, not really answering the question JUST LIKE APPL'LICE. "Ok let's go." Lightning and DeadSahz transformed into their car forms and carried everyone there. They saw Hope sitting in the stands of Eden Orphan Hall wearing an odd costume. "HOPE!" Lightning angsted hugging her little brother/fuck friend. "DON'T TOUCH ME YOU LIARS." Hope had a moment. "MMMM MMMMM!" Sahz did a sassy nigga head bob with finger and slapped that little shit into the ground. "AIN'T YOU BE DISRESPECTIN' ME AW HEEEELLL NAH YOU LITTLE WHITE CRACKERJACK." Sahz niggaed. Vanille awoke from her dumpster. Fang poked her with a stick, nudging her forward. "Uhm...Hope..I'm sorry, I'm not really your mom ahehauhuhe.." Vanille awkwarded. "I hate you." Hope cried. "Why are you here?" Lightning questioned, looking at his odd face paint makeup and such. "I'm going to be a star." Hope admitted. Snow burst into fits of heroic laughter. "Ohohohoo, I'm sorry, I can't..." Snow just couldn't, so Hope took out his EIDOLON DRUMSET NAMED ALEXANDER AND JAMMED OUT ON THAT NUCLEAR SILO FACILITY. everyone gasped in awe. Hope beamed, "yeah! I'm part of a band now as the drummer, it's called Humbaba." Lightning slowly walked up to Hope. "What was that band called, Hope?" She smiled warmly while using her summon bar. "humba..." Hope was trampled and stampeded to shit as an army of Odin horses ran over him. "That's what I thought." Lightning picked up DeadHope and handed him to Vanille. "Ok I guess it's time we..." But then suddenly Serah stepped out from the shadows. "Hng? Shat have you done with our lead drummer?" Serah asked. Lightning was confused. "Serah...aren't you a crystal..?" Lightning pulled out her blade. "Not anymore sist..." "YOU'RE NOT SERAH!" Lightning used her commando move. "DON'T INTERRUPT ME ECLAIR JEBEDIAH-ARCEUS FARRONSTEIN." Serah roared. Everyone gasped! "What did you say?" Lightning was confused but then Serah transformed into Primarch Dysley. "Ahahha! So the legends are true!" He cackled. "How do you know..." Lightning was cut off, "that you were named after a FUCKING ECLAIR DONUT BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS WERE INBREDS?!" Dysley finished. "Hehehe.." Snow silently laughed but Lightning shot her sword up his ass and that was that. "My name is Pope Bathandelus III, but you can call me Bart. Bart Simpson is my favorite you know." The Primarch loled. "WHAT R U DOING." Sahz niggaed. "What God wants me to do, kill off all the lesbians and gays while simultaneously spreading CATHOLIC VALUES AND BELIEFS. FOR EXAMPLE: Dinosaurs are the work of satan and are thus not real creatures." Suddenly a dinosaur from Jurrras'lcie World came and stepped on old Bart boy.


	8. The Marathon

Chapter 8: The Marathon

Then it fell through the glass because it was so fucking heavy! "DAYUUUMMM!" Sahz howled while recording a L'Vinecie. Lightning gasped. "My god... After seeing that terrible sight we need to raise awareness!" Lightning lit up. Snow patted her on the back. "And what better way than a good old fashion L'CIE SPONSORED FAT L'CIEATHON!" Everyone cheered and went to work. They were going to make this the BEST L'cieathon ever! Lightning was in charge of statistics, Sahz was in charge of recruiting, Snow was in charge of not wrecking the place or scaring away people with his heroic stature, Vanille was in charge of decorations, and Hope was in charge of Administration. Fang was too big of a party pooper and against raising awareness for fat people. When Hope asked her to help she responded by giving him a Falway coupon. "YOU WANT HELP? GET YOUR AUSSIE ASS INTO A GYM AND BUY A HEALTHY FALWAY SUB!" Fang finished Hope off with a head bang, then Fang quickly zipped up her athletic suit and strapped on her l'ciePod to her arm before taking off at a healthy-but-fast walking rate. "I'M GONNA WINNNNNN THISS!" Fang rangled herself up. Hope got his babieself up and yelled at the quickly disappearing Fang. "I DIDN'T ASK FOR HEALTH ADVICE I ASKED IF YOU WOULD HELP ME SETUP THE REGISTRATION BOOTH!" but Hope's yelling landed on dead l'ciePod earphones. Hope sighed and read the coupon. "This coupon allows for the redeeming of one free item at Falway." He looked up and daydreamed of ordering a meaty unhealthy burger- after all, they were bound to have one burger at least. But then Hope dropped the card and looked down at it to notice his thumb had covered the fine print. 'May only be used to redeem a HEALTHY L'CIEHOICE (TM) 100-calorie or less sub.' Hope sank defeated. But then he didn't care and threw the coupon away and went back to work. Lightning hated using Falcel. "AGHH! I HATE SPREADSHEETS!" She clicked around and mashed the keyboard and magically the perfect stats came up. "YES!" She happy noised, but then Snow came by and tripped on his sexiness. "WOAHHH!" He slammed down the laptop's lid. Lightning meat grinded and was about to clobber that fucker, BBS or not! Snow got himself up and attempted to redeem himself. "Woah, slow down! You are over reacting!" Snow opened the laptop's lid but then he spilled Lightning's coffee all over the Keyboard. Lightning was about to thunder but Snow put his hands out again. "No worries!" He wiped it up with his L'cie cloth. He unlocked the laptop and CLICK CLICK. Snow closed out of the Falcel spreadsheet WITHOUT SAVING. He opened Falcel. "There. I got you started, ain't I a pale?" He made his beatdown worthy heroic grin. Lightning began besting Snow with her coffee mug she got from L'ciebucks. Meanwhile Vanille was decorating. "Well... I guess one or two joke balloons won't hurt..." She shouted at the dollar store employee. "PLEASE... PLEASE TAKE WHAT YOU WANT, JUST DONT HURT ME AND STOP YELLING!" He cried. Vanille crookedly smiled :v. Then she ate him. Sahz was just about done recuiting- and by that I mean he hadn't managed to recruit anyone and he was fed up with this shit. "Man, this some baloooonnniieee!" He rapped a little to calm himself. Then he saw a schoolbus. "Perfect!" Sahz ran up to the schoolbus that was stopped at a red light. He banged on the door. The bus driver lady opened up. Sahz surveyed the bus. Sanctumgarteners. "Aww ya'll are cute. Perfect! YA'LL NEED SOME AWARENESS ABOUT FAT PEOPLE!" He pulled out his pistol and ended the bus driver without looking. "FIIIEEELLLDDD TRIPPP!" Sahz pushed the dead driver out the window and took his seat. "Manual transmission? How the fu-" and as soon as Sahz touched the clutch a train SMASHED THE BUS, SENDING IT FLYING INTO THE AIR out of nowhere! Lightning looked at her watch, then smashed it on the ground because she hated watches. "Worst Christmas present ever!" She huffed burying it with her foot. "Time to start the l'cieathon for raising fat awareness!" Lightning called out, and suddenly a bus crashed right at the starting line. Sahz got out. "Alright kids! EVERYBODY HAVE FUN!" He pointed his guns beckoning the kids out. Vanille saw the kids. "AWW SOOO CUTE!" She pinched each child's cheek with a stapler. She stapled one balloon to each child's left cheek. She turned to Hope. "HEY WHY AREN'T YOU OVER HERE? YOU ARE A BABBYYYY LIKE THEM!" Vanille cackled. Hope gruntled stiffly then looked at the baloon designs Vanille had picked out. "What the.." Hope was in shock. One read, 'MY MOM IS IN PRISON', another 'I DIED', another 'I HAVE HIV', a fourth, hooded girl with no mouth had one that said, 'I HAVE RWJs'. "Vanille! Those are terrible balloons!" Hope cried out. But then he saw the rest said things like "L'cie 4 life." Vanille giggled. "Heheh. I picked out joke ones silly!" Lightning facepalmed as Snow accidentally ran into the starting ribbon tearing it down. "GOOOOO!" Sahz laughed but no one went, so he fired shots at some kids's feet. The kids screamed and began running. "HAHAHA!" Sahz laughed in a friendly way. He noticed one kid was falling behind so Sahz ran after them and caught up to the slow kid. "Hey... I don't know if you know what this run is for... But its for fat awareness..." The kid, barely 4 did not understand. "You... seem to be embracing fatness by going that slow..." Sahz began hyperventilating. "Googoo." The small child made noises. "I WILL NOT HAVE MY L'CIEATHON BECOME A JOKE!" Sahz capped the slow boy. "BETTER SPEED UP, FAT PEOPLE ARE SLOW!" Sahz went crazy and began taking out any kid he caught up to. Eventually none were left. He caught his breath. "Man... I...i..." Sahz looked around. He was in the middle of nowhere. "I SAVED AMERICA FROM FAT KIDS!" He roared like an ape and proceeded to drive to a strip club. Meanwhile at the start/finish Fang crossed. "YEAHHH!" She grabbed Hope and noggied his raskly head, squeezing him under her armpit. He began gagging for air. Vanile walked over and put a clothspin on Hope's nose. "AWWW BABBY CAN'T BREATHE!" She giggled and walked away. Lightning sighed. "This was such a failure..." Snow gasped. "OH SHIT HOPE's CONCERT IS STARTING SOON!" Hope passed out from no breath and everyone wondered what to do. Then Hope woke up and he felt something was wrong. "MY EIDOLON IS GONE! MY DRUMSET WAS STOLLLENNN!"


	9. The L'ciegoland

Chapter 9: The L'ciegoland

"Omg my eidolon is missing too!" Lightning freaked out. "HURRY TRACK THEM ON MY APP." Snow shoved his broken Toothpick++ in Hope's mouth. It turned out his Eidolon had gone on a very gay date with Odin to L'ciegoland. "I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT ODIN IS GAY. WORSE YET, HE'S GAY WITH A FUCKING DRUMSET." Lightning was furious. Hope blushied. He was so happy his drumset was bisnarexual. (That means his drum likes snares you fucking preps) so then they warped to L'ciegoland. Vanille orgasmsd at all the rides they had. "FANG I WANT A DINOSAUR BEAR!" Vanille dragged Fang to the arts and crafts booth while Lightning pulled out her app. "Well, it looks like they're on the l'ciegoland driving school for kids section. So Snow, Hope, and Lightning went there. They did in fact see their eidolons in a mini lego car together in the adult section! "GET THEM!" Lightning transformed into a car and was about to run them over when a man stopped her. "Excuse me miss, you need to pay the fine first." Lightning jammed her wheel in the man's face and revved her oil all over him. She proceeded to go after the eidolons. Snow birthday boyed without hesitation and went in after Lightning. However, the man caught Hope. "Sorry kid, you're too young to go in the adult section." Hope pouted, "i will be next game..." He sat on the sidelines as Snow and Lightning ran over everyone to try to catch Odin and Alexander. Meanwhile with Fang and Vanille, they were winning prizes and cute stuff. But then Vanille saw a BIIIIGGG lego coaster! "OoOooO Fang! I want to ride that!" Vanille peed a little. "Uh..I don't know.." Fang got nervous. "AWWWW LITTLE FANG'S A BABBBBBBYYYYY?!" Vanille made a scene while dragging her toward the roller coaster. "Vanille...I...I have to tell you something. My father, he died in a roller coaster. I haven't been the same since. I can't ride ok!" Fang angrily shoved Vanille away. "Oh Fang! I'm sorry I didn't know!" Vanille cried. "Uhm...but I want to slowly recover. I'll go on the little one for toddlers with you." Fang offered. "Ok!" Vanille jiffied and they were going on the kiddy coaster next door. There were a lot of adults on the coaster. "Huh, I didn't know that there were a lot of adults on kiddy rides." Fang was confused. "Oh, it's cause they usually ride with their kids probably." vanille comforted Fang. Fang stepped in the coaster, but Vanille didn't. "Vanille?" Fang was starting to panick as the bars got shut on. "HEHEHEHE I LIED THIS IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING COASTER IN THIS WHOLEEEE THEME PARK." Vanille took out her selfie stick and snapped a pic. "I'LL'CIE YOU IN FALHELL!" Vanille giggled and pulled the lever to go EXTRA FAST. "VANIIIILLLLEEE!" fang screeched, and someone in front of her turned around, "stop being such a fucking baby." said the teen before turning back around. Fang was going to go too fast and was going to fly off the track!

Unfortunately the ride man heard screeches so he thought it was an emergency. He stopped the cart. Fang turned and barfed, thankful it was over. He pushed a button and all the seats unlocked except for Fang's! The baby screaming little girl who caused it to stop got off and fell to her death. "Does anyone else want off? Because I am going to start it now." asked the man controlling the ride. Fang wanted to shout "NOO LET ME OFF!" But could not because her mouth was full of puke. Vanille had used SANCTUM GLUE to glue in the strap lever for Fang, so she wouldn't be able to get off. "AHHH!" Fang howled uselessly as Vanille giggled taking pictures. Meanwhile Lightning and Snow had just finished cornering the Odin and Alexander. "YOU LITTLE FUCKS!" Lightning threatened with her wavy pre-attack animation. Snow just gruffed a little. Odin explained. "Alexander, being a drumset, wants me to talk." Odin tore off two of his horse ears and pounded on Alexander in three swift motions making the comedic "dun don SHHH" noise. "We needed to lead you here, so thats what we did." Odin explained. "And where the fuck is here?" Lightning asked crossing her arms. Odin took a deep breath. "This... IS THE

Birthday Zone!" Odin grabbed one of Alexander's legs (a silo) and chucked it at Lightning, forgetting how small humans are compared to transformers like himself. The silo smashed Lightning into the ground and Snow had to revive deadLightning. "umm..I...I don'f know how to heal..." Snow twiddled his fingers. "Try your best." Odin ominously suggested. "Umm... expecto-l'cietronum!" Snow casted, but he ended up fucking up and casting Falvadacadabra. It shattered Lightning into many pieces. "Well, maybe its not a heroic weather or something today?" Snow shrugged. Alexander hit his silos together and ran that smug ass over. Snow was rolled to a pulp. He smashed into the wall, and hit a popl'cieorn machine. Popl'cieorn spilled EVERYWHERE! "YEAHHHH!" Snow wenr wild and made deadAngels out of the dead machine operator in the popl'cieorn. Snow saw Hope and grabbed him from the Kiddypen. He checked him out from the register. The register man looked at Hope. "Is this man your dad?" he asked. "No." Hope huffed. "Have a nice day!" the man let Snow check out Hope. "lets go!" Snow dragged his punk baby face to the eidolons. Odin had apparently revived Lightning while Snow was gone. Alexander suddenly shouted, "ITS HOPE's BIRTHDAYYY!" Without hesitation, Snow grap-snapple-popped that son-of-a-fun into the ground. "OWW!" Hope cried. Suddenly a roller coaster broke off its track and the cart smashed on Hope. Fang was WHITE from the experience!


	10. The Finale

Chapter 10: The Finale

"STOP MESSING AROUND ALEXANDER, WE NEED TO GO TO THE CONCERT." Hope shouted. Hope grabbed everyone and forced them back to Eden Orphan Hall. "COME ON MY SHOW IS SOON." Back stage, Hope was in distress and changed into his gay costume on the spot. Alexander transformed into drums. "Hope, there's something I want to give you. For good luck." Snow said, giving Hope his beanie. "Snow..I know how much this means to you. Thank you." Hope kawaiied. Snow made a hero face. "Put it on." Snow commanded. "Yea, sure." Hope did a 180 and dumpstered that fucking head cancer scalp invader. Snow's face was in disbelief, but then the announcer called for Hope to come on stage. Hope pushed past the BBS fuckboy and put Alexander on the stage. Everything was perfect, the music started and then the lights went out. "NOOOOO!" Hope threw a baby tantrum on stage where everyone could see him. "Hey baby, don't cry, you're just gonna die!" said a voice on a microphone. "Oh no." Hope panicked. "No. Nononononononono." Hope was having an asthma attack. "Hehe, old Vanilla Johnson is up to her tricks again." said Sazh. "Uh, I'm right here." Vanille was stealing equipment as usual. "Oh no, oh god it can't be." Lightning was foaming at the mouth at what could only be her nightmare. "Hey everybody it's your favorite Fal'cie Orphan!" said malformed fetus body of what could only be Barthandelus's retarded adopted son from Nigerria who was a professional comedian. "Hey who wants to hear a joke? Knock knock. You could win this brand new Dodge L'cie Truck!" Orphan used his third fetus body to wave at where there was supposed to be a car but there wasn't. Nobody was laughing. Orphan's fetus head started crying, so it took out a shotgun and blasted itself in the fetus head. "L'cie how you like that!" Orphan tried to make a funny again. Nobody was laughing. Hope tantrummed and threw Alexander on the ground and got up and went to the announcer. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. WHO LET ORPHAN ON MY STAGE." He howled, stabbing the announcer with a knife in his hand. "Sorry man, Bart is our primarch, and he wanted his son to be on stage..." The announcer buffled awkwardly. Hope fisted the bastard and went back on stage. "GET OFF MY UTOPIAAAAAAA!" he screeched at Orphan. "You're gay." Orphan menaced. Hope had forgotten he was speaking with a malformed fetus burger. Hope corrected himself. "Sweetie, there's cupcakes in front of the stage." "REALLY?! WHERE?!" Orphan ducked over the stage. "NOW!" Hope blasted his Alexander drums like fucking Louis Armstrong while Lightning & Friends came to beat up Orphan as well. Lightning transformed into her McQueen form and revved her oil all over that abortionist bastard. Snow regrew his beanie and just smiled at Orphan. His third head exploded. Vanille took her antlers and shoved them up Orphan's ass. Fang also shoved her stick up Orphan's ass. Orphan squealed and cried, and then he melted into oblivion. The microphone blurred. The audience was dead silent. Sazh slowly walked up to the mic. "Ahem." Sazh cleared his throat. "DID YA'LL KNOW IT'S FAT AWARENESS WEEK?!" He began shooting out of his guns. People ran screaming away. "AHAHAHAHAHA!" Sazh accidentally shot the lights above and they came crashing down on top of him. "Looks like we saved your concert." Vanille giggled. "I HATE YOU!" Hope angsted. Hope took Vanille's antlers and started besting her with it. Snow walked up to Lightning and put his arm around her shoulder. "Well, it looks like me and you raised a great kid." Lightning slowly looked up at Snow. She carefully put her hand on his cheek...and ripped his skin off. "AHHHHH!" Snow cried. "Go fuck yourself." Lightning flipped off Snow and walked to Fang. Suddenly Serah and Dajh appeared. "Daddy?" Dajh poked DeadSahz with a stick. Serah walked up to Snow. "Ser.." Snow was backhanded onto the ground. "HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT DYSLEY WAS ME." Serah screeeeeched. "AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY DOUBLE HEART ATTACK FAL'BURGER?! AND YOU CRASHED THE FUCKING CAR! OUR INSURANCE IS THROUGH THE L'CIEROOF!" Serah angered. Snow was getting the birthday beatdown of his life. Lightning went up to Serah. "CLAIRE YOU BITCH HOW COME..." Lightning shot Serah in the head. "I've had a really shitty weekend Serah. And now I have to go back to the daily grind." Lightning groaned, putting on her construction helmet, ready to go to sleep. She knew that she'd have to go back to lumberjacking on Monday.


End file.
